Fans of the boy-band sensation grieve for the Liam Payne they loved, but struggle with reports of his behavior.

Having gone on indefinite hiatus in 2016, the members of One Direction haven’t performed together in nearly a decade and their millions of young admirers have since grown up. But when Dee, now 29, found out that Liam Payne had died last week in a fall from a hotel balcony in Argentina, she suddenly “felt the walls close in.”

Being a Directioner—what we fans of One Direction call ourselves—has always offered a sense of inclusion and belonging.